Be wary of these behaviors by martial arts instructors or students, especially when used to pursue a sexual relationship with you:
Aggressive pursuit of a relationship
- Corners you or pulls you aside to speak alone about topics unrelated to training
- Pressures you to go on a date or spend time alone together
- Will not take “no” for an answer and persists despite your disinterest
- Persists in asking for your phone number or to add them on social media
- Asks others about you or gets your contact info from someone else
- Uses the contact info you provided to the school for personal reasons
- Adds you on social media to send overly personal messages
- Does not respect that you are already in a relationship
- Sends you unsolicited sexual messages, pictures, or videos
- Shows up uninvited where you live or work
You should not feel pressured to date or sleep with your instructor or anyone else at the school, and they should respect your privacy.
Harassment and violating boundaries
- Makes inappropriate comments about your body or appearance
- Blocks you from entering or leaving the bathroom or changing room
- Flirts when you cannot easily turn them down or get away
- Makes inappropriate sexual jokes or innuendos
- Shares unsolicited personal problems to gain sympathy
- Asks prying questions about your personal or sex life
- Tells you inappropriate details about their sex life
- Confides in you by telling secrets to force a “bond” between you
Off-color jokes and sexual comments put you on the spot to “act cool” even if they make you uncomfortable. A manipulator may overshare to elicit sympathy or draw personal details out of you.
Unwanted sexual contact
- Initiates unwanted or inappropriate physical contact
- Does not ask for your consent or disregards it to touch or kiss you
- Touches you inappropriately under the guise of “coaching”
- Offers to massage you or help you stretch as an excuse to touch you
- Tries to get you to massage or touch them
- Gropes you during training or sparring but plays it off as innocent
- Touches you under your clothes or tries to undress you
- Exposes themselves to you
- Offers you sex or sexual acts
- Solicits you for sexual favors or demands sexual acts
Ethical sexual contact demands consent between everyone involved and no coercion. An abuser may try to disguise what they are doing or make it difficult to say no. Being pressured, manipulated, or tricked into saying “yes” or going along with it is wrong.
Favors and flattery
- Offers to drive you home alone
- Offers to travel or stay together on a trip to a tournament or seminar
- Offers you free after-hours private lessons or one-on-one training
- Surprises you with favors and gifts to ingratiate themselves to you
- Flatters and compliments you excessively
- Promises to make you successful or a “star” competitor
- Claims they feel a special connection to you
- Offers you alcohol or drugs to lower your inhibitions
Favors and gifts are a common way gain someone’s trust and make them feel indebted. Flattery is used to lower someone’s guard. While we wish we could trust everyone’s intentions, recognize that “being nice” is a social strategy manipulators use to get what they want. You may worry you’re being rude, but it’s okay to say “no, thanks” when someone makes you uncomfortable.
Abuse, coercion, and gaslighting
- Uses guilt or threats to coerce you into giving them what they want
- Teases and “negs” you to make you interact with them
- Insults and harasses you to undermine your confidence
- Exhibits volatile emotions like anger and jealousy to control you
- Threatens or intimidates you to get what they want
- Hits, slaps, shakes, chokes, or grabs you outside of martial arts training
- Acts like you’re making a big deal out of nothing when confronted
- Pretends nothing bad happened when you see them later
- Blames you for making them hurt or abuse you
- Lies about what they did or said when called out on it
- Treats you poorly after you turn them down
- Spreads rumors and lies about you, especially after you reject their advances
- Roughs you up or injures you in sparring after feeling spurned
Abuse can be physical, emotional, or psychological. Coercion can be subtle, like using emotional blackmail, or as overt as threats of violence. Gaslighting is using lying, deception, and confusion to make someone doubt themselves and not resist their abuser.
Signs of a toxic school culture
You may not be the target of harassment, but you can judge the health of a school by how well its leadership ensures the safety of all its students and the culture it encourages. Be on the lookout for these bad signs:
- Instructors or students engage in the red flag behaviors listed above
- Instructors makes excuses for people who are guilty of bad behavior
- An instructor or student has a history of sexual harassment/assault or a criminal record for it
- Instructors and school staff are unwilling to seriously look into complaints and take action
- Instructors and senior members use school as a dating pool for casual sex
- People know that a member is a problem but blame their victims for not knowing better
- Instructors make sexist or homophobic jokes or are OK with others making them
- Use of sexist or homophobic insults and slurs
- Jokes about sexual assault, abuse, molestation, rape, and domestic violence
- Female students are not taken seriously or given the same respect as men
- Instructors and students make sexual comments about students, especially women
- Demands for strict loyalty and shunning of people who leave the school